Week 3

Practicing with Phrases

This is a brief introduction to discovering loving kindness phrases that you
can use for years to come. Read this through and then listen to the audio.

• ​Finding loving kindness phrases is a poetic journey, finding words that express something that we cannot put into words. We are orienting for language that evokes the energy or attitude of loving and compassion.

• If you are familiar with loving kindness or metta (Pali word for loving kindness or friendliness) meditation, you may use traditional phrases that have been passed on from generation to generation. However, you also have the opportunity to use phrases that resonate with you and that are an expression of your innermost wishes.

• Just like the breath can be an anchor for meditation, loving kindness phrases can anchor our awareness. Much of the power of meditation comes from concentration. Finding two to four phrases that you can use as an anchor can help support your meditation for years to come. 

• In finding our loving kindness phrases, we may want to ask ourselves the quintessential self-compassion question, "What do I need?" In any given moment, the answer to this question can be adapted as a loving kindness phrase.

• The phrases should be simple, clear, authentic, and kind. They may even have a cadence to them. Most importantly, our phrases should land in our heart-mind with a sense of gratitude. If you experience an internal argument when offering yourself a loving kindness phrase, then it may be time to revised it.  

​I have four loving kindness phrases that I use in my meditation. It took me a long time to settle on them, and every so often, they evolve. However, when I practice with these phrases, my heart always rests (note, I find it more comfortable me to use the pronoun “you” than “I” when speaking to myself):

May you happy
May you be healthy
May you love and feel loved
May you live with ease

You do not need to use the "May I" or “May you” phrase if this feel awkward to you. Remember that loving kindness phrases are wishes, "May I" is simply an invitation to incline the heart in a positive direction. It simply means, "that it would be so", or "if all condition would allow it to be so, then...". You can think of loving kindness phrases as blessings or loving intensions you offer yourself. 

• ​It is important to note that the phrases are not positive affirmations. We are simply cultivating good feelings, not pretending that things are other than they are. Research indicates that positive affirmation tend to make people with high self-esteem feel happier and people with low self-esteem feel worse.

• The phrases are designed to evoke good will, not good feeling. A common reason for difficulty with loving kindness meditation is that we have expectations about how we're supposed to feel. Loving kindness practice does not directly change our emotions. Good feelings are a side effect of goodwill.

​Other things to consider when discovering your phrases:

• You may address yourself as I, you, or using your proper name. you can also use a term of endearment such as "buddy" or "dear one."

• The phrases should be general. For example, "May I feel healthy" rather than "May I be free from diabetes." As you know, we cannot control many situations in our lives no matter how much we wish we could. The idea is to focus on the wishing side of the phrase rather than an outcome.

• ​The tone you use when offering the phrases is very important. Having a warm and inviting tone is more important than the individual words.

• One way to find authentic phrases is to focus on our needs versus our wants. What is the difference? Needs are universal and often relational (e.g., acceptance, protection, loved, etc.). and are discovered from the neck down. Wants are more personal and arise from the neck up.